


I Will Count Your Infinite Scars

by A_Dying_Wolf_Dying_With_Dignity



Series: Counting Scars [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Coercion, F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Langst, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Pangst, Panic Attacks, Pidge | Katie Holt Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, plangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-28 20:51:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12615228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Dying_Wolf_Dying_With_Dignity/pseuds/A_Dying_Wolf_Dying_With_Dignity
Summary: Her loyalty was too valuable to break so easily. Thus, as compensation, her sanity took its place.Unable to handle what seemed like never-ending pain in order to withhold Team Voltron's secrets from the Galra who've captured and tortured her, Pidge's mind snaps. Eventually her team finds her as a ghost of her former self after just one month of imprisonment, and they don't even know where to begin with thinking about what she went through. They want her to return to her usual self despite knowing that would never be possible. She's too broken to be fixed...... But of course, Lance isn't ready to give up on her any time now or ever. He's willing to collect whatever fragments he can find to restore at least some part of her as he walks her down her road to recovery. After all, she was always there at his worst, having never expected anything out of it, not even his love; it's about time he's proven he's able to do the same for her.





	I Will Count Your Infinite Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He paused to examine her again.
> 
> Eyed the cuts on her face and hands, recounted how pained her scream sounded.
> 
> Unending quivers. The dullness of her eyes.
> 
> Broken speech unwonted for her.
> 
> The room she was found in.
> 
> _You were tortured, weren't you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've finally found time to post this awaited story, the extension of its original! I've come up with a lot more ideas for this story, but I sometimes lack the motivation to write, so please help me through that! Any constructed criticism and comments are highly appreciated!
> 
> Also, please note that I will be making minor references to past Voltron fanfics, mainly for my own enjoyment but to also show how all of the Plangst Week stories tie in with this. Another friendly reminder that I started writing this before Season 3 aired (yeah this is late I know), which is why I gave the Canon Divergance AU tag.
> 
> Special Dedication to @pidgance on IG, for being the reason why I ever got into this ship and started writing about it in the first place

They found Pidge passed out with a knife lodged in her stomach, in a room they felt only she of the dozens of prisoners here must've been familiar with.

There were tables and shelves with thick cloths giving protection so the freshly dripping blood coming from various blades and tools didn't stain them. Anything too large to be placed on the tables were set off to the side and along the walls covered in cracks, crusted up fluids, and other substances they preferred to stay as a mystery to them. Machinery surrounded them with each device depicting possibly different uses from each other.

Pidge was in there by herself. Wrapped in a strait jacket, strapped down to a metal table large enough to fit her. Blood was already getting all over the table beneath her from her stab wound.

Hunk had to swallow his bile so he could carry her back to their lions, the others shielding him from any guards who came their way. As soon as she was flown away from the prison to the safety of the Castle of Lions, her stomach wound was properly dressed and she went straight into a healing pod.

That was three days ago. The ship had successfully evaded any Galra ships that tried to bring payback for their break-in and was settled in empty space so they could await Pidge's awakening. Their mission in and out had happened so fast back there that they didn't even waste any time to remove her strait jacket. Even now she was fast asleep in her pod while wearing it. Lining of her bandages around her stomach were barely visible underneath it.

"I don't know, man, maybe the Galra put that on her for a reason." As expected, Hunk was the first to voice his doubts about their plan to remove it once she was fully healed.

"Well, yeah, she's just as dangerous in combat as the rest of us," Keith pointed out in rebuttal. Everyone formed a crowd in front of her pod with the hopes she'd wake up any tick now. They didn't want her to be alone when the time comes. "She's a paladin, first of all, like the rest of us. Don't you think they'd put us through the same thing if they captured any of us instead of her?"

Sure, he had a point, but that didn't stop the lingering feeling that they were missing something about this whole predicament. It was one thing that Pidge was stripped out of her paladin armor and dressed in the standard prisoner attire; and of course, they recovered that as well during their rescue mission. On the other hand, it was another thing to give her that strait jacket. None of the other prisoners they saw had one on.

Matter of fact, she was the only prisoner to have a cell all to herself, too, according to what they gathered when they asked other prisoners where hers was located.

"Second of all, we all know she's the smartest in the team. Leave her hands free and she could do about anything to escape." Keith looked to Shiro. "Weren't you in your own cell, too?"

"Yeah, for a while before I escaped," he confirmed. "It might've had to do with what they did to my arm." Upon instinct, the fist of his metal arm clenched before going lax again.

That brought on the next question: What could the Galra have done with Pidge that she needed to be isolated from the other prisoners?

They at first figured she needed to be away from anyone she could manipulate or team up with to escape. It didn't seem likely, though, considering all of the things she's capable of doing by herself. There was also the possibility the Galra performed similar modifications on her as they did with Shiro. Perhaps the strait jacket was hiding that - all the more reason to take it off when she wakes up.

All the while this conversation was taking place, Lance was standing before her pod. He stared at her through the glass separating them. He made out the cuts on her face, both fresh and old, and tried to see how many he could count.

One month went by slower than any of them expected after her capture, and it was _all his fault_.

It was supposed to be like any other mission - in and out, simple as that - but for once they underestimated how many soldiers they were expecting at the Galra facility. He and Pidge were going to be the last to leave, the latter still downloading data from the main computer whereas the former acted as her bodyguard.

If it weren't for the Galra breaking down the door, both of them could've gotten out. If it weren't for Pidge shielding him from the stun guns, she could've been safe. She pushed him out of the way, handed him her laptop filled with the needed information. Her last words to him were for him to get out safely and bring her lion back to the castle so she wouldn't get caught with her.

He should've refused, stayed behind longer to fight for her, but he wasn't used to the desperate look in her eyes when she pushed her laptop into his hands. He wondered if she knew that at least one of them was going to get out of there, what with the increasing number of Galra closing in on them. She probably did, otherwise she wouldn't have looked at him that way.

Now, she looked peaceful with her eyes closed, bathed in the light from her pod that was tending to her body. Lance rested a hand on the glass, fingers splayed out, palm pressing over where her heart was. He reminded himself that it was beating in there. She wasn't dead, she was right here. Finally, she was safe.

"Lance, what do you think?"

Without turning his head to even glance at Keith, he answered, "Yeah, let's get that off of her soon. The Galra probably had her in that most of the time she was imprisoned, so she'll be complaining about her arms hurting when she wakes up."

Although it seemed Hunk was still against removing the strait jacket, much to the others' confusion, he quietly conceded and left the room to check on Allura and Coran manning the control deck. Shiro and Keith eventually took their leave as well to head for the training room; waiting around here wasn't going to do anything for them, after all. This left one last paladin to go against this fact and never take his eyes off of Pidge for another hour or so. His hand was never removed from its place on the glass either.

"Come on, Thorns, we're all waiting for you," he muttered, wondering if his words could reach her somehow. "I know, you deserve all the sleep in the world after being stuck in that place for so long... but can't that wait until I can actually hold you?"

He wanted to send a mental image to her subconscious of him wrapping her securely in his arms, pulled close to his chest without ever wanting to let go. The month without her presence, knowing she had been alone all that time, was absolute madness. Without her logical thinking, determining the best course of action to rescue her was difficult, resulting in the long waiting period. He barely ate or slept, not used to the lack of her warmth in his bed, ridden with the guilt in understanding that it was his fault she got caught.

_Should've been me_ , he had thought to himself over and over again, even after taking her back.

All he wanted now was to hold her everywhere and all the time. He'd make her save all of her whining about doing so inhibiting her from getting any work done for another day in the distant future. That's what he's always done, for she always enjoyed being in physical contact with him regardless how much she openly denied it.

Once she's awake, he'll do whatever he can to make up for the time they've lost while apart. He wanted to play with her fingers and bury his nose in her hair like usual. He wanted to kiss her in whatever places made her emit a laugh so beautifully tuned and shine the brightest of smiles. She just needs to wake up first before he can accomplish any of that.

These thoughts were, hopefully, being transferred to her through the special bond only they shared with each other. Lance was beginning to question the power of that bond when, all of a sudden, he felt the glass move against his palm.

Cold air rushed out of the pod as he immediately hurried from it to the speaker on the wall by the nearest entrance. He pressed the call button as soon as he reached it.

"Guys, get down here! She's coming to!"

The message was short but understandable so he could run back in time to catch Pidge's falling form the moment the glass completely lowered.

It frightened him, to be honest, when he realized how much _lighter_ she's gotten since he last held her. Sure, she never weighed that much to begin with, but she felt as thin as paper in his arms as of now. He carefully lowered both her and himself to the floor, waiting for her to get back to full consciousness.

Everyone else arrived while Pidge began to stir. Her head slowly swayed back and forth, eyelids starting to get stimulated under the lights. Lance tried to coax her further by whispering to her in hopes she'd respond to the familiarity of his voice.

"Katie... Hey, Katie, it's time to get up now."

"Now hold on, taking off that jacket might help!" Coran spoke up. He stepped forward and knelt down beside the two already on the floor to unbuckle each strap. "Very sure she'll appreciate being able to have a good stretch."

All the while, Hunk kept a tight hold on his bayard, eliciting questioning looks from the others. He stared uneasily at them. "Don't you guys think any of this feels off? I mean, Pidge was the _only one_ wearing a strait jacket in the _entire prison_."

"I've already said-"

"Yeah, I know, Keith, but that doesn't change how I'm feeling about this! Other than taking a stab, we don't know anything else as to what happened before we had her."

"If I must be honest, I side with Hunk on this one," Allura spoke up. "The Galra have always been cruel beings. Pidge could have been manipulated somehow."

Shiro raised a hand. "Can we please stop jumping to conclusions already? We need to stay calm and keep quiet. For now, let's wait for her to fully wake-"

" _Guys._ "

Attention was drawn back to Lance, who had helped Coran undo the strait jacket. Pidge's eyes were slowly beginning to open and close, little by little, the rest of her body twitching. Her arms were carefully pulled out of the sleeves to rest at her sides. Upon the sight of her hands covered in scars, her eyes were wide open.

Normally bright orbs of brown were at that moment dull and empty.

"You with us, Pidge?" Lance tried to ask her, seeing if she'd respond. However, he only felt her chest heave harder and her body's twitching increase. "... Katie? Talk to-"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Her scream was sharp enough to impale everybody’s chests at the same time. Rolling out of Lance’s lap, she scrambled to her feet and away from the others. She ducked beneath Shiro’s arms in his attempt to catch her; smacked away Allura’s hands when she tried to grab her by the shoulders; covered her ears at Keith’s yelling for her to come back as she ran through the hallway. All the while, the paladin who was closest to her sat there in shock.

That wasn’t Pidge. Or rather, it was her, but she wouldn’t have acted that way normally.

_She screamed "No!", as if she was about to face something awful._ Lance stood up with Coran, staring out into the hallway she took off through. _Did she... Did she? Back at the prison?_

A flash before his eyes, a memory of three days ago. When they found her, she had been stabbed and abandoned by whoever strapped her down in that room. Fast forward to today, underneath the Galra prison rags she wore were those scars, old and new, and on her hands alone. If he took off her shirt, would he find more?

He was alone again as he was the first to run in her direction. The others were following far behind him.

_It looked like she didn’t even recognize any of us._

“Katie! Katie!” No matter how much he called out her name, she didn’t turn up.

_All of those machines and tools in that room we found her in... It was like the ideal place. Somehow we knew-_

He stopped in front of the entrance to the kitchen, where he heard soft whispers behind the counter. Pidge’s back faced him, her hands out of view. Her entire body quaked. Not wanting to startle her, he tried speaking again, this time in a softer voice.

"What's wrong, Katie?" He watched her jolt and turn her head to look back at her. Light brown eyes, the ones he was used to seeing so full of vigor and the curiosity that guided her, were now as dull as they were when she woke up save for her obvious fear. He bit his lip and raised his hands. "C'mon, it's _me_. Your one and only Lancey Lance?"

Trying a grin seemed to convince her enough to turn around completely. She only needed to show one side of her, however, to reveal the knife in her shaking hands, the blade aimed at her neck. His expression waved a bit.

_Keep calm, Lance. We can't have her doing anything rash._ "That's way too sharp for you to have right now, Thorns." He saw her gulp in reaction to his pet name for her. "How 'bout we put it down and talk?"

" _NO!!_ " Pidge shook her head and brought the knife closer to the side of her neck, pointed towards the jugular. "Don't... Do-Don't come... closer... Won't talk..."

He paused to examine her again.

Eyed the cuts on her face and hands, recounted how pained her scream sounded.

Unending quivers. The dullness of her eyes.

Broken speech unwonted for her.

The room she was found in.

_You were tortured, weren't you?_

"... Alright, you win," he said with a nod, keeping his hands above his head. "See? I'm unarmed, you can even check. You can always trust me."

Behind him, he sensed the others arriving, gathering by the entrance. He heard Allura's quiet gasp and Keith's frustrated grunt. He heard Hunk's tenacious grip on his bayard tightening. Shiro was letting out a breath, Coran a worried hum. Ahead of him, Pidge fumbled with the knife at the sight of more people.

Lance took a step forward, slow and careful in accordance with her hostility. When she didn't react he continued, one after another. She didn't even budge when he made his way to stand across the counter from her.

"We're your _family_ , remember? We're Team Voltron, and you're safe with us. The Galra can't touch you anymore."

They stared at each other, the lighter brunette of the two's shoulders dropping. She lowered the knife, set it on the counter, pushed it towards the other. A single spark in her eyes was lit as she opened her mouth again.

" _Kill me._ "

Her voice was loud and clear. That was what scared everybody the most. Lance couldn't even begin to imagine what sorts of torture she was subjected to over the course of her imprisonment, but he's come to understand why she had that strait jacket on when they found her, why they should've kept it on her like what Hunk wanted.

_One way to best torture a prisoner is by keeping them alive long enough that they'll want to die._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this chapter kinda sucked, but I promise that with enough motivation from you guys and inspiration on my end, the ones after this should be better! I hope y'all will stay and help me see to this story's completion!
> 
> For those who can figure out the nickname Lance gives Pidge in this story - :')


End file.
